Wiggle my pwet

8th November 2009

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Currently sitting in a cafe at the waterfront.

I’m hopelessly, head over heels, in love with the man sitting across from me.

I can’t help but look up at him every few minutes and smile. 

6th November 2009

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I got a $12 haircut yesterday. It was either that or taking scissors and cutting it myself. It’s not half bad :O)

4th November 2009

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Realizations

People say home is where the heart is. What does that even mean? If home is where the heart is, then my home is with my boyfriend… wherever he may be. My family’s lives in LA. That use to be home. But on my last visit, it felt nothing like it. It doesn’t feel like mine since I don’t have a spot there anymore. I kept wishing to be back home in Sac while I was in LA. The house in Sacramento is mine. I own it, along with my mom. But it doesn’t feel like home either. I think because it doesn’t reflect my style and personality. When you go to school and work two jobs to survive, there isn’t a lot of extra cash to decorate. Hopefully in time it will feel like home, otherwise I’m homeless.

My biggest fear about moving on my own and hours away from everything I’ve known, was that I was going to rely too much on my boyfriend to make me happy since he is the only one I have near by. I never worried about surviving or giving up (although some people did). I may be emotional, but I’m a fighter. I’m struggling financially, but I’m making it. Luckily for me, I always try to be aware of flaws, as to not allow them to become a detriment to me. So I haven’t put too much pressure on him. I’ve been extremely busy trying to keep my house and life together. Which helps a lot. 

What I did realize this past week while laying in a hospital emergency room, was how alone I am here. When my doctor told me to call an ambulance, the first thing I did was call my boyfriend to take me to the hospital. Asking my roommates wasn’t even something I considered. My roommate are nice girls, we get along, but I wouldn’t necessarily call them friends. I got to know some guys that live in my complex and we’ve had a drink by the pool a couple times, but they aren’t my friends. I talk to people in class and at work, but have yet to hang out with any of them just for fun. I haven’t really made any kind of effort to make friends because I never thought this would be home. I was always thinking, I’m going to Sac to invest in property, go to school, get closer to him, and at first chance I’m going home to LA. Now that LA doesn’t feel like home, I guess I have to start making more of an effort here. 

Two weeks ago I felt incredibly alone. Last week I felt incredibly loved. This week my body can’t seem to catch up with my mind. I need to work, go to school, and start living my new life the way I want, but my body is too sick to do anything yet. In time I guess.

3rd November 2009

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I called my boyfriend last night crying. Telling him how much I love and appreciate him. Sometimes it’s not always obvious and people need a reminder. The tears weren’t necessary but I just couldn’t help it.